My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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