ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
