I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
