my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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