I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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