I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
These 19 People Are Into The Grossest Sex Fetishes
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
People Weigh In On Whether It’s Okay to Bang Your Roommate
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!