i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
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How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
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That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!