Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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