I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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