well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
