I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
