Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
cat food counts as protein by the way
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
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I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
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He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.