did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.