Texts From Last Night

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  (917): View more from New York City

  I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.

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  (917): I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home. http://tfl.nu/cetg
  Replies (3) Good night (1357) Bad night (561)
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.

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  (902): Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life. http://tfl.nu/sk8g
  Replies (33) Good night (491) Bad night (2789)
• Favorite

  (515): View more from Iowa

  Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.

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  (515): Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life. http://tfl.nu/dizz
  Replies (60) Good night (642) Bad night (5066)
• Favorite

  (415): View more from California

  From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.

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  (415): From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle. http://tfl.nu/bjh3
  Replies (5) Good night (1017) Bad night (2999)
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.

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  (513): Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this. http://tfl.nu/ipvr
  Replies (8) Good night (3184) Bad night (1068)
• Favorite

  (765): View more from Indiana

  We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny

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  (765): We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny http://tfl.nu/ty4j
  Replies (7) Good night (5247) Bad night (745)
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.

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  (715): I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it. http://tfl.nu/u4wc
  Replies (15) Good night (3420) Bad night (830)
• Favorite

  (740): View more from Ohio

  Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?

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  (740): Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe? http://tfl.nu/3oc2
  Replies (10) Good night (2377) Bad night (846)
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"

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  (412): It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion" http://tfl.nu/m0wm
  Replies (8) Good night (623) Bad night (1748)
• Favorite

  (289): View more from Ontario

  you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window

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  (289): you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window http://tfl.nu/k0yo
  Replies (7) Good night (1616) Bad night (721)
• Favorite

  (641): View more from Iowa

  You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.

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  (641): You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid. http://tfl.nu/bnv7
  Replies (20) Good night (1324) Bad night (4043)
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.

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  (512): I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position (1-512): I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed. http://tfl.nu/u3vm
  Replies (9) Good night (2338) Bad night (865)
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning

  (303): View more from Colorado

  you were serious about those bagels

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  (303): you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning (303): you were serious about those bagels http://tfl.nu/cmdj
  Replies (3) Good night (561) Bad night (232)
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.

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  (480): I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it. http://tfl.nu/0k0k
  Replies (8) Good night (951) Bad night (284)
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  You also proposed and then tried to jack me off

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  (480): You also proposed and then tried to jack me off http://tfl.nu/5zxw
  Replies (3) Good night (474) Bad night (198)

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