god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
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After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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