I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
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Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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