Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
