Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
