i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Come share oat with me in your robe
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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