At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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