I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
