how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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