Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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