she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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