Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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