I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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