Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
