You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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