every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
