I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
How does one acquire holy water?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
