i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
