You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
