She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
