At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
