Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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