When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize