i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
