I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
