If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
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If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
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well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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