shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
