Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
