I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
