Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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