Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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