Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
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I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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