I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
