Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Randomize
