if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
My ass is underappreciated
I lost the right to judge tonight
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
