I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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