Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
