I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
