dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
soo... how was my night?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
