Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
