I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize
