3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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