I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
