So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
