im six kinds of drunk right now
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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