12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
