a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
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And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
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I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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