Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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