I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
