i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
